[Mighty Midget]

Ok, this is gonna sound really whiny but to hell with that. This is what I feel happened and what lead to much of this.

My entire life has been a search for acceptance. I wasn't accepted for who I was where I grew up and I never felt acceptance for who I was at home. I started to copy what others did and said. It did at least give me some feeling of acceptance. Basically it got out of hand in a short amount of time and I ended up pretty damn early living other peoples' lives as my own. Of course it never worked and of course I never understood. I wasn't them but to me it was more important to convince myself to keep leaving myself behind as long as I got some appreciation from my family and people around me.

Now, I'm not writing this for any sympathy or whatever but I write it because that's what happened and I'm just beginning to realize what damage that has done. Basically, I have been lying to myself and others out of fear my "real self" is something to loathe so consistently and for so long I no longer have any idea who I am. I have serious issues letting people know me and a lot has to do with the fact that somewhere inside my head I know what I let others see is just fake.

I think it becomes obvious I won't feel good about anything unless I can appreciate myself but that requires me first to get to know who the hell I am and have enough courage to dare being myself to myself and others.

I don't know, there are a lot of lies I need to sort and label as lies and I'm still scared of letting my mask fall so to speak, but that's about the only thing I never tried before and nothing has helped so far. I "only" need the courage to get started for real.