Well, looking for recommendations on a decent Linux distro.
There are three requirements:
1. Can both read and write to NTFS volumes.
2. Has extensive help module... only Linux command I remotely understand how to use is MOUNT.
3. ...a decent GUI. :tomato:

I'll also need help on finding some rough equivalents of several programs I'm currently using. The exact list got lost 5 minutes ago when the machine locked up, and I don't really feel like re-typing it all over right now.

Ubuntu is very easy to use.
Most if not all distrobutions cannot write direct to a NTFS filesystem, (make a small FAT32 partition).
The full install of Ubuntu comes with the Gnome desktop enviroment.
www.ubuntu.com ;)

Drat. All the drives I have currently are NTFS.

Yup. Chickenman's right. No writing to NTFS, only reading...

As for the decent GUI: both Gnome and KDE offer great desktop. Actually Linus Thorvald (the creator of Linux) has proclaimd KDE as his personal favorite. Luckily, Ubuntu also comes as Kubuntu, with KDE as default desktop environment. In the end, it's a question of taste, since they both offer the same functionality more or less.

Download an Ubunut/Kubuntu live-cd to try it out!
http://www.ubuntu.com/download

Writing to NTFS partitions is not possible out of the box. However, if you're into a bit of experimenting with re-compiling the kernel, some distros have the options to enable it (although it's still in the beta stages).

I don't even know what a kernel is right now...

You will, believe me ;)

Gnome>KDE

This is perhaps the major reason why I haven't migrated to Linux yet. No matter what they are trying to convince me, Linux remains a linux geek''s playground, not for anyone else. :ranting:
Make it simple stupid!

There are quite a few "simple" distros out there. Ubuntu or Fedora Core, off the top of my head. Those 2 are simple enough for any Linux newbie, but have a number of advanced features too.